7 Powerful Ways of Saying "No"
You have probably heard that you retain so much power in your simple ability to deliberate and choose. After all, isn’t this what sets us humans apart from the primates? What makes humans advanced as upright creatures?
Not exactly. We are more complex and advanced not simply for our ability to reason, but our ability to do so while hurtling Olympic speeds through a myriad of emotional hurdles, sand pits, and stumbling blocks. Some of us are Florence Joyner, and there are others of us who have just deleted the “Couch to 5K” app to free up more memory….again.
So how we say no is as powerful as the intention with which we’ve said it. Understanding how you are using your 7 leadership levels to respond can help you to identify the belief behind the thought that fueled the emotion and ignited your “no”. And, you can empower change by identifying how and where your response may be serving your purpose, changing how you communicate and how effective you choose to be as a leader.
Are you ready? If your answer is no, keep reading…you might be surprised!
(No) | Level 1
The non-answer. Indecision is low-level leadership. You read that correctly. The absence of a decision is still the presence of choice. I’ll wait here if you need to go back and read that again. By not answering in the affirmative, while not honoring your own wants, needs, or values, you are exercising the choice to do absolutely nothing at all. This avoidance removes you from responsibility but does not make you immune to guilt, disappointment, or regret. The unspoken no may result in your being led to do things that are not aligned with your personal sense of purpose and may leave you feeling complacent and incomplete in your complicity.
No! | Level 2
With resentment. When you lash out with a no that is intended to hurt, harm, hinder or otherwise exact revenge on another, you have successfully stretched your anger muscle. Think of this as your gluteal workout, because although this may be a somewhat oversimplified example, your purpose for using the word no in this manner is often to be inflexible. Therefore, this no is often used as a means to protect yourself from being taken advantage of or to achieve your own goals without any consideration of the other 300 billion people on the planet you can potentially impact.
Sounds selfish? It could be, but remember to take stock of the intention behind your response without judging it.
No, but maybe... | Level 3
With compromise. Attempting to consider other people’s feelings, ideas, and goals usually feels better than being a flat-out ass, which is why this is a popular option. It is still not a resounding “yessiree” but it does leave the door open to other possibilities. Here, your no begins to negotiate alternatives that sound like yes (but are still a no for you).
For example, your friend asks you to drive her and her family to the airport an hour away on the Saturday of a holiday weekend for their annual family-fun vacation. On the inside, your answer might sound like “No way! What do I look like…?” On the outside, you might say, “Well, no, but maybe my friend who drives for Uber can help you out.” Problem solved. Well, at least for you.
This is how level three leadership works. You get what you want, and maybe the other person does too, although your decision and response are not contingent upon it. Also, this might be phrased as a conditional “yes” response, because although your lips may say the y-word, your head is playing the hell-naw song.
Not today... | Level 4
With caution, care, concern. Level 4 no responses allow you to exhibit more care and concern for others. You may even choose to sacrifice your own goals for the sake of the other person’s needs being met. The big difference here is, you feel good that the other person got what they wanted, even if you didn’t. You are willing to put aside your ego for the greater good while protecting the interests of the other party.
No, with yes as an option | Level 5
With decision, not division. Saying no can be liberating in many ways, especially when it is not received with judgment. This variation is often said with thoughtful reflection and perhaps even some creativity. Like when we were young kids in the summer and one kid says “hey, let’s play three yard tag” (because our three back yards were adjacent and this version included climbing fences) and then as part of the deliberations, another kid says “no, let’s play three yard TOURNAMENT tag!!” Using this metaphor also illustrates the willingness to play. As adults, parents, professionals, and CEO-super-bosses, we often forget the sense of inclusion that can be built by taking a good idea and making it even better. Really, your use of no at this level is typically intended to get you closer to yes.
(No) | Level 6
With intuition. Higher levels of leadership become more introspective and inclusive of creating an all-encompassing win. Some might even say this is you listening to your gut. No, not the three tacos you wolfed down for lunch—that is another conversation. I mean your intuition as it pertains to not just your own well-being, but the well-being and success of your workgroup, department, company, or even your family unit.
No is an illusion. | Level 7
Without attachment. At last, level 7 leaders are a bit different, and in many respects they are so forward thinking that others may mistake them for being backwards! When you are completely detached from emotional drama, you may be more capable of seeing opportunities. When you think about it, the power associated with polar yes-no responses lies within the meaning we attach to those poles. If you believe yes is good and no is bad, then you have limited your scope of opportunities to two outcomes: good and bad. But if no is an illusion, an imaginary response that dictates our disposition, then it suddenly loses power and just exists as a word. How else do you think people use non-verbal responses as a response? Each of us has attached our own meaning to a sound or expression, many of of which are now generally accepted as part of social and cultural norms.
Words are often a window into our worlds. Many think that saying no is how you draw the blinds or pull the shade. In reality, it is a stained glass window, letting just enough light through to show your colors. How many different ways do you use “no” as a porthole to your innermost feelings, thoughts and beliefs? What boundaries might be in conflict or nonexistent for you? What is easy/hard for you when "no" is the answer?
Ready to RESET (Review/Energize/Strategize/Empower/Take Action)? Get started today and find out the power in your leadership levels with an Energy Leadership Index assessment. It’s like a credit report for your attitudes about work and life.
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